Episode 9: Nothing matters

Episode synopsis

In this episode the contestants must bring in the best 40 identical things on a towel, have the longest telephone conversation, find a soldier with hindsight, get goosebumps, and slide ducks along wires.

Title context

'Nothing matters' was Alex Horne's nihilistic response to Greg's question about whether it mattered that Alan Davies had brought in a packet of chicken legs, for the 'Get goosebumps' task.

Alternate Titles

• On Finland's MTV Katsomo streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Millään ei ole väliä', which translates as 'Nothing matters'. [Translator credit: zador]
• On Sweden's SVT Play streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Telefonlurendrejerier', which translates as 'Phone trickery'. This title is referencing the deceptive nature of the phonecalls, during the 'Have the longest telephone conversation' task. [Translator credit: DANI]
• On Norway's Discovery+ Norge streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Ingenting spiller noen rolle', which translates as 'Nothing matters'. Note: this Norwegian translation of the title only appears in the subtitles for the episode, whereas the episode title listed on the platform is the original English title. [Translator credit: Jan Harald]

Taskmaster Intro

Hi! Hello! Welcome, each and every one of you, to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies, and I've kept my puppy fat into middle age to make me one cuddly tower of man beef. But I'm not here to spoon you - I'm here to pass judgment! Our five brave warriors are reaching the end of the competition now, and are coming out the other end with a better understanding of themselves, thanks to this show. As one of them put it to me backstage, 'Hold me, I feel like I've been alone my whole life.'

Assistant Intro

And now for a man who's a bit lost when we're off-air, and passes the time by setting himself tasks. Tasks like, 'Try and make yourself look like a blow-dried otter.', 'Cry when you go to the toilet for a number two, because you still don't understand what's happening.', and 'Show off to girls by pretending you're modest and nice.' It's... little Alex Horne!

Taskmaster's Sign-off

So what have we learnt today? We've learnt that if you happen to be driving past a house in Coventry and you see an old woman bouncing around the room after some tennis balls, don't panic - it's just Guz Khan trying to keep his nan flexible. Right, next time is final time. Exciting times! But for now it's Desiree's time. Goodbye!