Emma and Alex take to the stage

Emma and Alex perform a one-act play in front of a black backdrop in the living room. The play is titled ‘The Goose’, and the theatre sign shown at the beginning attempts to claim that it is directed by Sam Mendes.

The play begins with Emma, wearing a short, curly wig, slaving away dramatically over a hot ironing board. Alex then enters the scene, dressed in a brightly-coloured, striped jumper, and bright red shorts. As Emma senses his presence, she asks him (in a thick Yorkshire accent) “What time do you call this?”, to which Alex desperately responds “Please, mum”.

Emma says “I remember a time when you were, I dunno, four years old?”, before asking Alex, “What was it you used to say to me?”. Alex pauses before responding “I love you, mummy”, and Emma then asks “And why don’t you say it now?”, before calling him a “bastard” and roughly back-handing him across the face. As Alex holds his face and looks genuinely hurt, Emma yells at him to get out of her house, before telling him to “go feed that bloody goose!”.

Alex then trots off the edge of the scene, leaving Emma behind to lament “We should never have got that bloody goose”, gurn, and then repeat the line again, but louder, before dropping to her knees.

Emma then stands back up, and Alex bounds back into the scene, smiling, before they bow and receive their applause from the theatre audience.

In the studio, Greg describes the performance as “powerful”, noting that “There was so much not said, but so much said at the same time”. Emma claims that “It was such a tricky text to work with”. When Greg notes that ‘The Goose’ seems to have caused some problems in the family relationship, Alex notes that the characters’ names were Paul and Pauline. When Greg asks Emma to explain how the goose had caused the family to unravel so, she states that Paul had become overly attached to the bird, and was no longer giving any love to his mother, Pauline. She then comments “It’s not very funny is it? But that’s theatre.”

Greg ultimately decides to award 4 points to Emma for her kitchen sink drama.

(Written by Karl Craven and proofread by M3 / Andres Sanchez)

(Illustrations collected and adjusted by: David Fuller)