Ray and Mel’s historically inaccurate play about Julius Caesar

Ray and Mel pick the scroll with the prompt ‘The assassination of Julius Caesar’.

Mel walks out onto the stage wearing a jacket and a hat with some white feathers sticking out of it, and announces herself as Julius Caesar, “the guy who came up with the salad”.

She then starts talking about her loyal subjects, of which one of them (‘Patricia’, played by Ray wearing a pink wig) shows up to complain to Caesar about what he did to the salad. Patricia then proceeds to “give Caesar a C-section”, stabbing him several times with a pair of scissors before leaving the stage.

Paul then enters as another loyal subject, wearing a hat and a striped shirt. He states that the wounds inflicted by Patricia aren’t fatal, but that also he’s going to attack Caesar as well, and then starts hitting him with an oar.

Caesar is relieved when another character - this time Ray in a blonde wig - shows up to help, but it turns out Ray’s new character is vegan who is also mad about the Caesar salad, and who starts hitting him with a bat.

Paul then returns as a new character wearing a paper crown, and hits Caesar with a hammer, while Caesar talks about how he thought he was quite a popular leader and that he’s often referred to quite well in that aspect.

Ray returns to the stage again, this time wearing a white wig and holding a length of garden hose. He says “Caesar being alive? No way José!” and then proceeds to strangle Caesar with the hose.

Paul then returns, wearing a plaid shirt and a hat, holding a crutch, and complaining about the healthcare system in Rome, before beating Caesar with the crutch.

Ray then comes back on stage wearing his normal outfit with the addition of just a skirt, and blows a leaf-blower at Caesar, who rolls along the stage.

Caesar exclaims that he’s surprised he’s still alive, but then starts to bleed out, as represented by a bunch of red tissue coming out from his jacket.

Paul then skateboards onto the stage while wearing a visor, and complains that the skate park has fallen into disrepair, before beating Caesar with the skateboard.

Ray then arrives, holding a multicoloured sheet and a water pistol, and claiming to be a time-traveller who was trying to kill Hitler, but missed the mark and is making do instead with killing Caesar.

After the time-traveller shoots Caesar, the leader requests an ‘IV’, and Paul turns up on stage with a hat and hammer, interpreting the ‘IV’ as the Roman numeral for ‘4’.

Caesar then incorrectly pronounces “Et tu, Brute?” before proceeding to finally die.

Ray returns to the stage once more, wearing another hat, checks Caesar’s pulse and declares him dead but - just for good measure - hits him with a board anyway.

In the studio, Paul points out that the Caesar salad is named after a different Caesar, and that neither the phrase “no way José” nor the garden hose would have existed at that point in history.

The team members earn 2 points each.

(Written by Will G and proofread by Karl Craven)

(Illustrations collected by JoGo and adjusted by Karl Craven)