Tuva’s immortality kit

Tuva says that she initially wanted to bring in a necrophiliac as her prize offering (“a nice ending for the both of us”), but that she was unable to find anyone willing to admit to such a paraphilia – especially as it’s illegal.

Instead, she decides to lean on the idea that one is not completely dead until one is no longer spoken about, so she brings in something that she believes will add plenty of years to her life.

From inside of an old fire extinguisher, which she has repurposed into a container that can be opened via two clasps that have been welded onto it, Tuva pulls out a thick roll of paper that she claims will answer the question: ‘Who was Tuva Adine Billing?’.

Tuva rolls out the paper onto the stage, and says that what she has taped together are various headlines from her career – though she admits that since she has only recently become a celebrity, she has “taken some liberties” with them.

Her headlines include “She was a superstar”, “Everyone appreciated working with Tuva”, “We loved Tuva very much”, and “Tuva gets a six for being romantic, sexy, cute, and brave” (six is the highest rating in the Norwegian dice-based ranking system).

She also mocks up quotes from Atle praising her performance on Kongen Befaler, and claiming that her acting performances should not be missed.

Tuva does also include some truths in her kit, accurately reproducing her family tree and proving that there are a mere six links between herself and the current Crown Prince Haakon of Norway.

Impressed by her impossible-to-verify blend of truths and lies, Atle awards Tuva first place.

(Written by Jenny R and proofread by Karl Craven)

(Illustrations collected by Jenny R and adjusted by David Fuller)