Lloyd pens a martial arts film script

Lloyd is designated as the scriptwriter for the film, and chooses to write a martial arts film about scouts, called ‘The Unholy Fists of the Very Aggrieved Scout’.

His script begins with some narration to establish the characters and location: “Jimmy and Timmy Wolf were two of the best Scouts in the Shaolin Scout troop, but the troop leader, Master Keith Snake, was always pushing them to the limit.”

Timmy and Jimmy are both shown struggling with tying some knots in ropes, and Master Snake makes the point that they must tie the knots themselves, or they will not earn the knot badge. Timmy then seems to start dying, due to some unclear cause, and Jimmy implores Master Snake to do something about it, or Timmy will perish. However, Master Snake restates that he cannot get involved, noting that “like the Taskmaster’s assistant, I am but a neutral observer.” Timmy then dies, with his last words directed at Jimmy: “Avenge me brother, and maybe try for a badge other than knots.” Master Snake then disappears in a puff of smoke.

There is then a time jump in the film to 20 years later, and Jimmy is in a bar having a drink and talking to a lady, who asks him “What are you looking for in a partner?”. Jimmy responds “I am not looking for a partner, I am looking for an evil Scout leader whose callous behaviour allowed my brother to die painfully, and I will avenge him.” There is then a montage of Jimmy starting a bonfire, whittling, shining shoes, throwing something at a tree, and punching a hay bale. The film then cuts back to the bar, where the lady says “I wish you’d put that in your bio.”

At this point, two ‘bad boys’ enter the bar, and one of them says “Hey mate, we don’t like guys coming in here and misrepresenting themselves in their dating bios!”. Jimmy responds with “What are you going to do about it?”, and the other boy responds “We’re gonna kick your puny ass!”. In an internal monologue, Jimmy thinks to himself “Scout’s honour prohibits violence, but these shitheads are going to get a good punchin’!”, before breaking his glass in his hand and yelling. He then uses the skills previously shown in his training montage in the ensuing fight scene, first by punching them, then throwing some stuff at them, then blocking a kick and shining one of their shoes, and then whittling one of their faces, before finally setting both on them on fire.

At this point, Master Snake arrives at the bar, saying “What is with all this commotion? Who are these punks on fire? And who… who is this man with the shiny shoes?”. Jimmy responds with “I have hunted for you for two decades. I have earned every Scout badge but one. You killed my brother. I am here to avenge his death. I will kill you and dance on your grave and piss on your bones!”. He then picks up another glass, breaks it and yells, before another fight scene begins, in which Jimmy tries to punch Master Snake a lot, but he dodges every strike. Jimmy then lands a kick, tries to kick Master Snake a few more times, then headbutts him, before biting his ear completely off. Jimmy then slaps him some more, headbutts him again, and causes Master Snake to fall to his knees, before Jimmy finally strangles him with a thick towel.

The girl from the bar, who was watching all these events, then approaches Jimmy and says “You finally deserve this”, and gives him the knot badge for his strangling. She then suggests that maybe they should go on a second date.

Lloyd earns just 1 point for his script, after Tom Gleeson points out that everyone had complained about it.

(Written by Will G and proofread by Karl Craven)

(Illustrations collected and adjusted by: David Fuller)