Episode 1: F**k golf

Episode synopsis

In this first episode of a new season, the contestants must bring in the best thing that weighs exactly 10kg, retrieve some eggs from the top of a pole, crack a crème brûlée, hit a golf ball into its hole, and construct the tallest skyscraper out of bars of soap.

Title context

'Fuck golf' was Paul Ego's response to his poor performance at the 'Hit the golf ball into its hole' task.

Taskmaster Intro

Kia ora koutou, and holy macaroli. Here we go again. It's season three of the television show Taskmaster. I'm Jeremy Wells, and I am sitting on a throne that for nine and a half months of the year sits idly by under a pile of to-be-folded washing in my sunroom. But tonight I'm on it with purpose in front of you all as the Taskmaster. Over the next 10 weeks, five beautiful comedians will degrade themselves more than Will Smith at an Oscars ceremony, all in the hope of taking home their own golden statue of my most successful and recognisable anatomical part ― my head. There it is there. Absolutely terrifying when it's sitting beside you.

Note: 'Kia ora koutou' is Māori for 'Hello everyone'.

Assistant Intro

And sitting next to me is a man whose piercing blue eyes and dogged attention to detail makes him an absolute star in the popular car ride game I Spy, although I have never been in a car with him to experience it myself. It's Paul Williams.

Taskmaster's Sign-off

Tonight, we've witnessed Paul Ego eating dog shit. We've seen Chris Parker prove that time waits for no man who can't throw a teaspoon. We've also found out that the winner of episode one, season three of Taskmaster is Josh Thomson!