Christian’s creepy love letters

Christian brings in a collection of love letters that he claims to have written to people throughout his life. He reads several of them out loud.

To Lotte, he claims to have written:

Happy birthday.
My gift is me.
Will you be my girlfriend?
Check yes or no.

To Trine, he claims to have written:

Hi, Trine.
I like you.
I would die for you, just like your father died for you.
I’m sorry he’s dead. Bummer.
My dog died a year ago.
Will you be my girlfriend?

To Louise, he claims to have written:

I tried to catch you at the soccer field yesterday, but you ran away.
I almost caught you at the kiosk, but you yelled, ‘Get away from me, you bastard!’
I guess you didn’t realise it was me.
It was also me that you met later in your garden.
You said, ‘What are you doing here, Christian? Leave me alone.’
I guess you know another Christian.
Do you want to be my girlfriend?

Christian had taken the extra step of attaching a lock of his hair to the back of Louise’s letter, adding:

Here’s a piece of my hair.
Then you can smell me, just as I have a piece of your hair.

To another unnamed woman, Christian claims to have written:

I can’t stop looking at you.
My heart is pounding like crazy.
I watch you every day, because I can see your window from my room.
Where were you yesterday?
Please don’t turn off your light.
Will you be my girlfriend?

Christian explains why this letter does not have a named recipient: he never actually learned the girl’s name, so he’d just addressed the letter to her family.

Christian reads a few others, including: one from his “street phase” (beginning “Yo, Maria!”), in which he claims that their relationship must remain a secret, as his mother does not like Maria, or any of Christian’s other teachers (he says that this letter was actually successful); one wherein he pretends to be a 13-year-old boy looking for love, who says that his grandmother and uncle can vouch for his being a good kisser; and a ransom note for a stolen dog, which he has accidentally misfiled from his “collection of threat letters”.

Lasse awards Christian second place.

(Written by Jenny R and proofread by Karl Craven)

(Illustrations collected by Jenny R and adjusted by Karl Craven)