Episode 1: God’s haemorrhoid

Episode synopsis

In this episode the contestants must bring in the nicest thing to put in your mouth, fell a coconut and then move some drinks, make a large object vanish, get the most eggs into a frying pan, and then get the most balls into their bucket using litter pickers.

Title context

'God’s haemorrhoid' was how Johnny Vegas described the bunch of helium balloons he'd let fly up to the ceiling, in the 'Get the most eggs in the pan' task.

Alternate Titles

• On Denmark's TV2 Play streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Guds hæmoride', which translates as 'God's haemorrhoid'.
• On Finland's MTV Katsomo streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Jumalan peräpukamat', which translates as 'God's hemorrhoids'. [Translator credit: zador]
• On Sweden's SVT Play streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Teddybjörnen Testarsson', which translates as 'Teddy Bear Taskersson'. Teddybjörnen Testarsson is likely a pun on the famous song, Teddybjörned Fredriksson. The title is a reference to the use of the teddy bears in the 'Fell the coconut, then move the drinks' task. [Translator credit: DANI]
• On Norway's Discovery+ Norge streaming platform, this episode is titled 'Guds hemoroide', which translates as 'God's haemorrhoid'. Note: this Norwegian translation of the title only appears in the subtitles for the episode, whereas the episode title listed on the platform is the original English title. [Translator credit: Jan Harald]

Taskmaster Intro

Hello and welcome at last to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies, and I am the Taskmaster. I'm powerful and in peak physical condition. What's that? You're new to the show? Let me explain the simple premise. Five funny people have been set a load of ludicrous tasks that we have filmed them attempting to complete. Over the coming weeks, I will pass judgment on their efforts from this magnificent throne. At the end of the tenth episode, the person who has amassed the most points across the run will take home the ultimate prize: my beautiful head, cast in solid gold. For the losers, well, I'm afraid their careers will be destroyed. We promised there would be no changes when we moved to Channel 4, but I have removed the studio audience. Nothing to do with recent events. I just don't like being near members of the public. So while they're watching next door, it's just me and the contestants in the hotbox of competition. So strap in. It's gonna be intense.

Assistant Intro

And, next to me, the man whose job it is to keep track of all the facts and figures. He's been my personal assistant for coming up to six years and yet, we've genuinely only socialised together three times. His neck is the same width as his head, he chooses to wear plastic, slip-on shoes, and he once told me that at some point nearly every day, he cries. It's little Alex Horne!

Taskmaster's Sign-off

At this point in the show, I usually look back at something that's happened. Something that humanity can reflect on. Gain from, even. In today's case, it's pretty easy. What have we learnt today? We've learnt that you can't fill an egg with helium! Thanks for watching. Well done again to tonight's winner, Richard Herring!